Called home to be with the Lord

My beloved god-father was called home to be with the Lord yesterday morning. Got the news when i was having a free period at 1045am. Didnt get to see him for the last time. Imagine how he must have felt to leave this world-unprepared..without seeing me..

Though he's just a god-father..he's closer to me than my parents are. Chocolates, coke, junk food..only he will allow us to eat all those-while my parents think that its bad for our health. Yes, its bad but he never denied us the privilege to eat all those. Even when he's bed-ridden, he'll ask if we want food or coffee. Apparently, he loves coffee a lot. I never understand that and didnt get to drink the coffee he made.

Last Christmas and Chinese New year, though he was weak, he ate with us. Just 2 families together. He had problems eating on his own. I remembered feeding him. I remembered many little details with him.. We celebrated his 72th birthday just last month at the hospital. Could see the happiness shining through his eyes. On 23rd July 2004, i told him it was my birthday and though he couldnt speak, i knew he was really happy im growing up.

I can't hold back the tears all these brings me..

He used to be a strong man. He can lift me and my sisters up with both arms.
He used to bring us wet towels everytime we step into his house-to wipe ourselves clean and fresh.
He used to write alot of chinese characters all over the newspapers. He writes and writes. He educated and had many views about Singapore.
He used to tell us about politics..how much he detests PAP and Lee Kuan Yew. I never understand what he was saying till many years later.
He used to ask if we wanna buy sweets downstairs. He had hardly any money left cause by the age of 50+, he retired. CPF used up for his medical bills.
He used to cook maggi mee for me whenever im hungry.
He buys boxes and boxes of chocolates knowing i love junk food.
He used to...he used to open the door for me though he could hardly balance himself..all these..

Now, im all alone..no more..i dont know how to handle with this..he left us all unexpectedly and im sure he wanted to see me the most. No..i wasnt there. But im taking comfort in that he's home with the Lord. Safe, no more pain, no more pain.

I had wanted to visit him today. After school at 1.15pm on wednesday. Im too slow. I havent visited him for 2 weeks even though we live like super close to each other. Many regrets..like why didnt i spend more time watching him sleep. My older sister bought this cooling pack for his back but didnt get to bring it to him..

Jiesheng and Edward, you two have visited him at the hospital. Im grateful for everything you 2 have done to cheer me up. And all my friends who have been encouraging me. Im sure he's happy in heaven. Pray..

I used to have braces on. He'll stare into my mouth thinking the stupid dentist is torturing me. I'll spend time telling him that it doesnt hurt. He believes the dentist is all out to get his precious god-daughter. That day on June, i took off my braces. I smiled at him without the braces on. He smiled too. Its those little things that makes me really upset..he loves me so much..

It wasnt a nice death..it even more difficult to look at him in the coffin knowing that he wont wake up anymore. Oh..its so painful..i just lost a father i've never really called father. I love him...a lot..even more than my mother i think..

How long should i mourn? I pray to get a dream from him. I believe he has something to tell me. Weird enough, i had a dream and he asked me "what is it that you'll remember about me?" Its everything. Everything in my memory. How can i look at you without crying knowing you wont be with me physically anymore??

People always say: he'll live in your heart or hold on to the memories you had with him. No, its not that easy. Anyway, i believe those are self-pity and self-deception. He's gone..for good..with the Lord or God knows where. I want him ard me..but im scared too.

He didnt leave any message or last words. Godma couldnt save him. I saved him once. But how long can anyone save him? Gone..

I cry day in and day out. Headaches all the time. I dont know how to study in this state.

But then again, he does look peaceful in there.
But then again, his chest isnt moving anymore. He's not breathing.
Where is he?

Someone told me: when christians die, they have just begin to live. I pray and hope so.

Anyway, the mass will be held today at 8pm at the Catholic Church. Tmr will be the cremation. For the address and if you wanna come, its on Straits Times, Asia Section, Page13. [top right hand corner]

I miss you more than anything else..