Im blessed to have many people caring for me..will update more on the situation when i feel much better.

Tears;
mourning is inevitable
but if i do falter,
i know i can lean on You..

Never failing to think about you Papa..hope you're happy in heaven. =)

Called home to be with the Lord

My beloved god-father was called home to be with the Lord yesterday morning. Got the news when i was having a free period at 1045am. Didnt get to see him for the last time. Imagine how he must have felt to leave this world-unprepared..without seeing me..

Though he's just a god-father..he's closer to me than my parents are. Chocolates, coke, junk food..only he will allow us to eat all those-while my parents think that its bad for our health. Yes, its bad but he never denied us the privilege to eat all those. Even when he's bed-ridden, he'll ask if we want food or coffee. Apparently, he loves coffee a lot. I never understand that and didnt get to drink the coffee he made.

Last Christmas and Chinese New year, though he was weak, he ate with us. Just 2 families together. He had problems eating on his own. I remembered feeding him. I remembered many little details with him.. We celebrated his 72th birthday just last month at the hospital. Could see the happiness shining through his eyes. On 23rd July 2004, i told him it was my birthday and though he couldnt speak, i knew he was really happy im growing up.

I can't hold back the tears all these brings me..

He used to be a strong man. He can lift me and my sisters up with both arms.
He used to bring us wet towels everytime we step into his house-to wipe ourselves clean and fresh.
He used to write alot of chinese characters all over the newspapers. He writes and writes. He educated and had many views about Singapore.
He used to tell us about politics..how much he detests PAP and Lee Kuan Yew. I never understand what he was saying till many years later.
He used to ask if we wanna buy sweets downstairs. He had hardly any money left cause by the age of 50+, he retired. CPF used up for his medical bills.
He used to cook maggi mee for me whenever im hungry.
He buys boxes and boxes of chocolates knowing i love junk food.
He used to...he used to open the door for me though he could hardly balance himself..all these..

Now, im all alone..no more..i dont know how to handle with this..he left us all unexpectedly and im sure he wanted to see me the most. No..i wasnt there. But im taking comfort in that he's home with the Lord. Safe, no more pain, no more pain.

I had wanted to visit him today. After school at 1.15pm on wednesday. Im too slow. I havent visited him for 2 weeks even though we live like super close to each other. Many regrets..like why didnt i spend more time watching him sleep. My older sister bought this cooling pack for his back but didnt get to bring it to him..

Jiesheng and Edward, you two have visited him at the hospital. Im grateful for everything you 2 have done to cheer me up. And all my friends who have been encouraging me. Im sure he's happy in heaven. Pray..

I used to have braces on. He'll stare into my mouth thinking the stupid dentist is torturing me. I'll spend time telling him that it doesnt hurt. He believes the dentist is all out to get his precious god-daughter. That day on June, i took off my braces. I smiled at him without the braces on. He smiled too. Its those little things that makes me really upset..he loves me so much..

It wasnt a nice death..it even more difficult to look at him in the coffin knowing that he wont wake up anymore. Oh..its so painful..i just lost a father i've never really called father. I love him...a lot..even more than my mother i think..

How long should i mourn? I pray to get a dream from him. I believe he has something to tell me. Weird enough, i had a dream and he asked me "what is it that you'll remember about me?" Its everything. Everything in my memory. How can i look at you without crying knowing you wont be with me physically anymore??

People always say: he'll live in your heart or hold on to the memories you had with him. No, its not that easy. Anyway, i believe those are self-pity and self-deception. He's gone..for good..with the Lord or God knows where. I want him ard me..but im scared too.

He didnt leave any message or last words. Godma couldnt save him. I saved him once. But how long can anyone save him? Gone..

I cry day in and day out. Headaches all the time. I dont know how to study in this state.

But then again, he does look peaceful in there.
But then again, his chest isnt moving anymore. He's not breathing.
Where is he?

Someone told me: when christians die, they have just begin to live. I pray and hope so.

Anyway, the mass will be held today at 8pm at the Catholic Church. Tmr will be the cremation. For the address and if you wanna come, its on Straits Times, Asia Section, Page13. [top right hand corner]

I miss you more than anything else..

The luminous chalk made by Maurice..aint that beautiful? Can't really see clearly but oh well..i love it!

BINGOed!!! My small slip of paper. Can easily be hidden with the palm. Good for tutorials and lectures. =) PS: im not teaching you to be a bad student. Haha..

Sunday

Olympics: Its so cool! Did you guys catch the 100m sprints, the 400m and the 800m?? Gootness..im so mesmerized by their speed and grace. Yes...and the swimming events. Wow wow wow...i take close to 2mins for 50metres and they took only about 30seconds?? *faintz* All the track & field events..totally got me glued on to the telly.

Studies: Okie i guess..just keep studying and revising and staying back in school. Tired..very exhausting..about 24 days left?? Mean-time, playing BINGO in school can keep you very very occupied. *winks* check the pics!

Anger management: yes..shouldnt have let it get a better of me earlier this week. Sorry for all those stuff..cursing and talking rubbish. Forgive me? =)

Edward: Haha...totally entertaining! Not that he's some clown BUT, the pink shorts thingy made me laugh non-stop. Guys...args...i'm like so polluted...wash me clean someone!!!

Maurice: He finally accomplished sth in life and became a Sergeant..not that great but good enough i guess. How the fcuk do u spell it. Args. Haha..He made me that light stick out of chalk!! The words are "2ga e 4 eva". How sweet! Haha..purely FRIENDS.

Liyu: So she got me a birthday present. Haha...1 month after my bday! haha..im appreciative though..love her!

Melly: Wanna go sentosa again!! Wanna get new bikinis!! How's u and brenda?

Mr Sexy-buttt-Hui is MINE!!! So all of you, quit proclaiming that he's nice and called you DEAR too!!!! I dont like!!! MINE! MINE! MINE! *grinz* Tirene, he is MINE!!! If i had a camera phone, i'd take a pic of his butttt and hang it all over my room! (= I wanna marry him..haha..kidding lar..i want to drink milk..args..

I have an obsession with making myself miserable, pissed off and upset. You know that kinda sour feeling and when your heart literally aches so much that you can't seem to talk, except give that kinda "look"?? Yea, im not "suffering from" it. In fact, im kinda falling in love with that kinda feeling and seeking comfort from it. Then i start becoming suicidal.

People dont know im angry with them. Because i can't help but keep smiling though im upset. It's "in my blood" to smile even thought im obviously not okies. Im not pulling on a front or anything. Just comes naturally-smile. Of course there're times whereby i do get pissed and stop smiling. I do get confused with my behaviour sometimes. I hardly understand myself, so i never expected anyone to understand me. Hard-to-fathom.

Dont EVER take me for granted. You'll get hell from me. And dont ever question why im ignoring you. Cause you bought it upon yourself. So go figure out yourself why im not picking up your calls or not talking as much to you anymore. You think you're my close friend and therefore can irritate me??? Sorry. I'll make sure you hammer your way down to the dragonish hell. *grrrrr*

Im filled with anger. But i can control it very well. That's when the obsession comes in. Another thing, we dont have to share evrything with our friends because we're friends. Sometimes, if things are not asked, we dont mention it. I have things in my life that i dont discuss with anyone at all. You can't say im not telling you everything. In the first place, im not obliged to say anything. This is not the issue of trust or friendship. It's just how much you wanna let people know. But the bottom line is "mind your own business". (=

In no way, accidental or coincidental, im making reference to anyone. Sometimes, i talk rubbish when im crazy. Most of the time, i am. But you know i still love all of you. *smiles* That's a genuine smile okie..haha..

Friendster - such a gross network. People asking to be friends or if they can know you better. Just because you have a picture that attracts them. Tell me they're bored.

Policemen - another gross bunch of shitassss. Come personally to me and i'll tell you what the fcuk happened with me and these 3 policemen near my area.

I am selfish.
I am selfish.
I am selfish.
I am selfish.
I am selfish.

I will not be selfish again.
I will not be selfish again.
I will not be selfish again.
I will not be selfish again.
I will not be selfish again.

Mr Sexy-Buttt-Hui called me DEAR!!!! *screams-excited-faints*

26 Days

No substance

It's very stupid and dumb to say that someone's blog has got NO SUBSTANCE. Come on. Everyone has got a blog for a different reason?! So, just because someone can write a poem or discuss something really deep and THAT implies that their blog has got substance?? *sound of the dong* Wake the farking hell up you living blardi freaks..pui pui pui!!

Blog to let friends i dont meet up often, know whats going on in my life.
Blog to let people those who care for me know whats going on.
Blog for gossip-mongers.
Blog to express myself the way i want w/o hurting anyone else.
Blog to get my ideas across.
Blog for myself and nobody else.

I finished "The curious incident that killed the dog". Must say that its interesting. You know..when i speed-read the book, i was like: Christopher's really detailed in many things. Be it the way he travelled or the way he thinks. It's all written down clearly on the book..not one detail missed out. Usually those are the things that goes through my head when i think in everyday life. And its the first book that reflects my thought as well. Wait..what am i talking about. *smacks forehead* Like for example, the part on "white lies". It's so so right! And what he studied at the special school is very relevant to what im taught in JC. The mathematics questions..could relate well with that book. =) Though maybe there was too much "fucking", "sex" and "penis" stuff on a simple book like: who killed wellington-the dog. Haha. *grinz*

Im totally Yakult-fied.

27 Days

"ed"

Hahaed..today's a great dayed. Though i couldnt finish all of my revision by 9pmed, it was still a gooded. Yes, you all must be *scratching your headed*. Like what the helled im talking abouted. Go figure out yourselfed. Mrs Sim was totally like "failED"?? Haha..interacting econs tutorial todayed..so much laughtered.

So, its the 7th monthed. Ah...be careful of what you guys talked.

Anyway, my darling will be on TV sooned. Watch the showed and tell me she's cuted!!!! =P

Things to doed:

1) Buy my Charles & Keith shoesed *other shoes have dieded due to wear & teared*
2) Study econsed..like i havent gone thru macroeconomics yeted!! *skillsed!!*
3) Done with the statistic componented. Got the pure mathematics part lefted *which i sucked ated*
4) Age of innocenceed and Jude the Obscureed revision *rusty brain of mineed*
5) Stock up my room with more junk fooded. *hungry 24 hours*
6) Repair my violin stringsed.

Okie..about 29 days moreed.

Weekend

Tuition's finally over.. *gasps for air*

Tutor R: Ok, thats all for today.
Me: Great.. -breathes deeply-
Tutor R: Today's very draining huh.
Me: Why?
Tutor R: Cause i talk alot.
Me: -lol-

She's trying to imply that she did most of the work for the 2hours. But hey! 60 bucks for coming down to suffer is nothing okies! It's worth it in fact! Esp with an obedient student like me. =)

Watched Gladiator with Edward and Tirene yesterday night. Wow..must say that its a fabulous show! Ms G was right about it. (=

More night studies next week but keeping one night for tuition. 4 weeks left. Have to spread and plan the revision of GP, Econs, Math and English properly. Beginning to love my subject combination more and more. *grinz*

Oh, i think im gonna cut off my HP line really soon. Wanna sign up for a M1 plan under my own name and get Nokia 7200. This way, mum will stop threatening me about the bills. Not as if my bill is over 80bucks kinda thing. Woteva..

Single

I just love this song...haha...alone at home now...a gamut of emotions running in me. studied in school from 0745 to 2100 today. Of course im tired. Plus i was sick suddenly in the morning till late afternoon. I appreciated all those who have shown me their concern. Out of which i was really touched when Amy the army asked if im alright. *smiles* Yes, and Nana the banana for pulling the blanket over me in the sickbay. *wet kisses for you* And Shuyun the Duckied for not isolating me. Haha. Yes, Im alright now. =)

Whee...its FRIDAY THE 13!!!

Haha.. And its 31 days to prelims.

Off.

Natasha Bedingfield - Single

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Me and reney..haha..no..thats NOT my double chin..just that i happen to have a sharp jawline..

Me and the great banana!!! haha...she was late as usual..i thought i was late enough...hell no!

Haha..yes...im totally burnt and tanned over in this picture. I drank (centro) and i was at sentosa earlier!

Singapore Idol

You all watched Singapore Idol right! Haha..that crying girl *i shall not name names* is from PLMGS. Sheeze...dont know why she's so scared that she kept crying! Throw face ar!! haha..but she can sing..not too bad. Just the "common voice". Yesterday's espisode was quite boring. Maybe some parts did cracked me up. Haha...esp that "you sound like a cow who's gonna get milked". Haha... *roars*

Okie...i self quarantained myself. Mum told me to get her shiny wrapping paper and i didn. She started swearing and cursing me. All the vulgar hokkien words. Haha...scared of her lah..but im laughing to myself in the room liao. *grinz*

Sentosa with Melly on Saturday. Im totally red and burnt from shoulders to feet. Haha..4 hours of sun with her SPF8 oil..was fun..got to know some her poly friends. *grinz*

Was Centro on Sunday night. Haha..witnessed the fireworks display while queuing up to get in. It lasted for less than 7mins actually. *wow* The "security" outside Centro wished me a happy belated birthday. Quite lame... -_- Saw Pamela and Christy. *my secondary school friends* And the weirdest part of the night was that my tuition teacher was there as well. I went hiding. Haha. I can't account for my pressence, clubbing and drinking there. Oh well, i felt so hot after dancing. Must be the drink and the sunburn. *ouch*

So much for the update about the fun i had. I didnt forget to study. I still did. But im left with GP common test 3 and math test to do/study before school reopens on Wednesday. Yes, night study scheme starts as well. *smiles*

Happy 39th birthday Singapore!

Maurice's back...

I can't print my own money,
But i have to work for money.

We can't write on walls,
We can't write on tables,
But we when write on our scripts,
we fail them bad.

Anyway, got to take a look at Vincent Van Gogh's art piece today. Reminded me of "The Arles Sunflowers" i drew in my art class last time. Though me an entire month cause of the special strokes. It was an expensive art course mum sent me and my sisters to. By 10 years old, i could draw still-life. Im still amazed at my learning pace when i was younger.

Lots of work and revision during this 5 day break. Press on peeps. *hugs*

--- 40 days ---

Finally stepped down as Draco vice-house-captain. All the support friends and teachers have been giving me. It's another heavy burden off my back. I'll miss having to "avoid" Kaikian's call during breaks and after school hours. *grinz* Yes, not forgetting those who have contributed to helping Draco in a way or other. Basically, Miss Gan, my class and the same group of guys. And there's the smart Karic who is forever so sian but still attentive during meetings we had. Haha..its finally OVER!!! Draco will forever be the best house in Track and Field events although our dream was crashed this year due to massive outflow of disqualified groups. Dont worry, next year, we'll see who reigns. =) Congrats to Samantha, my dear track junior who took over my post. *smiles*

Centro this sunday!! Im so excited..used to get bounced there. Now, its just not gonna happen ever again. *grinz*

--- 41 Days ---

Ahh...arrogant freaks... *kicks all of you* Dont think you're that smart, cause you aint!!!! When you're above, its that easy to fall right down. And i hope, all u freaks fall...

So, i snapped 2 of my violin strings. Mum said: "good...wont have to hear you play. Haha" Oh...so mean can!!! *sticks out tongue* As if im that bad...at least i've finished the entire course!

Have a major problem: i can't stop EATING!!!

Aint those roses pretty pretty? (=